Am I a Loser? Better Not Tell You Now
I see this guy walking around our town a lot. For years now. Older. Balding. Shuffling along. Head down. Not making eye contact with anyone. Whispering to his dog. Always alone. Seemingly nowhere to be in the middle of a day. I don't really know him, but something about him always struck me as sad, yet somehow strangely familiar. I couldn't place it until one day recently when it hit me. Well, of course I know this man. He's me. I'm turning into this guy.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Of course not. People's personal walking preferences are nobody's business but their own! Walking alone is a perfectly sane choice. I love to walk alone. I also love to not talk to anyone. These are two of my favorite things. I wander around like Frank Drebin, pondering all the big questions from my day.
Important questions. Questions that keep coming up like bubbles in a case of club soda. Questions like, what should we do for dinner? Is there life on other planets? Is that guy in our neighborhood a victim of the male loneliness "epidemic" I keep hearing about? Wait, am I a victim of the male loneliness epidemic I keep hearing about? Dammit all, am I turning into a loser? And where the hell am I?
Not to say this guy is a loser. I literally know nothing about him. I'm seeing just a small snippet of his day. Maybe he's the toast of the town. He could be the mayor for all I know. It's possible he goes for a quick walk alone, then heads downtown to shake hands and punch babies. Or however that saying goes. For all I know, he's very content with his life. I feel like a loser sometimes though. Not necessarily when I'm out walking alone. More when I want to get out for a night with some friends, then remember I only ever hang out with my wife these days. That's when it hits me.
Loser may be a bit harsh. LONER is probably more accurate. A loner, but not fully by choice. Somewhat of an involuntary loner. An INLO, perhaps? Whatever you want to call it, I've turned into one of these guys. It's not anyone's fault. Life gets busy. Hanging out can take real effort. My lifelong Ron Swanson-esque approach to socializing certainly hasn't helped matters.
To paraphrase Mitch Hedberg, I used to have friends. I still do, but I used to too. I just don't see them much anymore. I know I'm not alone. There's plenty of us out there. If you haven't heard, there's a male-loneliness epidemic in this country. Many of the podcasts I listen to have done episodes about it. If I mention it to my wife one more time, she may divorce me on the spot. Then I'll truly be lonely.
The good news is, I've recognized there's a problem and am taking steps to correct it. This is opposed to my usual approach, where I recognize there's a problem, complain about it to my wife, then do nothing to correct it. I've been reaching out to people more, and making more of an effort to put myself out there. I organized a pub trivia night with some dads and even joined a local rec volleyball league. It's not always easy, but I know it's important. I want our son to see me living a full life, not just sitting on the couch eating ice cream alone.
He got a Magic 8 ball for his most recent birthday, and we've been having fun with it. You ask it a question, shake it up, and it gives you 1 of 20 canned responses. Answers like "Yes, definitely", or "Better not tell you now". We had to explain to him a few times that you can only ask it Yes or No questions. He still doesn't always get it. I heard him asking it the temperature the other day.
Most of the time he gets it though. He'll shake it up and ask if he's going to be a rock star someday. It will come back with a "As I see it, yes" and he'll get super excited. Or it will come back with "My sources say no" and he'll shake it up and ask again and again, until he gets the answer he wants.
I decided to ask Magic 8 Ball whether I'm destined to be an INLO for the rest of time, and it came back with "Signs point to yes". I gave it another shake, and it came back with "Yes definitely". DANGIT MAGIC 8 BALL. I know I was heading down a bad path, but I'm making some life changes! Cut me some slack. Took me a few more tries before it came back with a "Cannot predict now". Think I'll go with that one for now.
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